h0w 2 rite

Since it has come to light that I am an author, I've been asked by many friends, "Oh, cool! You're a writer. I've been thinking about writing a book. Got any tips on how to do it?"

Why, yes--yes I do. But you're not going to like them.

Tip #1: You must write.

Tip #2: Don't worry about your spelling, your grammar, your punctuation, or anything else as you write along. You'll fix all of that when you rewrite. Right now, ignore your run-on sentences. Split your infinitives. Let your participles dangle out there for all the world to see. (It is usually at this point when I mention run-on sentences, infinitives, and participles that most people's eyes glaze over, and they decide that they might be better off going into a more honest line of work, such as politics, or bank robbing.) In the meantime, you must write.

Tip #3: Do not even worry about naming that character you just brought in. I have lots of rough drafts where my latest minor character is introduced as Josephine Schmuckatelli. For now, you must write.

Tip #4: That whizz-bang gizmo you just gave your characters to use in their daring escape? Never mind how it works, or what it's called. "Josephine pulled out her [INSERT TECHNO-BABBLE HERE] and fried the IRS Agent's head clean off." Fix it in the rewrite. Right now, you must write.

Tip #5: If you get an idea about something, get it down on paper instantly. Do not put it off to do research. Research can come later. Get the concept down before you lose it. You can go back and backfill any continuity problems that arise from this new idea on the rewrite. For now, you must write.

Tip #6: Turn off your chat programs. Turn off Facebook. Turn off Weatherbug, or whatever weather alert program you have. I don't care if you live in Tornado Alley. So do I. YOU MUST WRITE!

Tip #7: Okay, so getting the cat to stop licking your ear, or trying to sit in your lap while you're writing is an impossibility. Adapt and overcome. I can type with one hand--either side. If I can do it, so can you. YOU MUST WRITE!

Now, for the final three--and most critical tips. In order of importance, I present to you, tips 8, 9, and 10.

Tip #8: YOU MUST WRITE!

Tip #9: YOU MUST WRITE!

Tip #10: YOU MUST WRITE!

And there you have it. It's that simple. Worry about the nuts and bolts later on. Get a good editor--later on. Get a cover--later on. Format it for submitting--later on. Right now? Right now you are going get out there and write until you have no letters left on your keyboard!

Ignore these rules at your own peril. That most foul of monsters, the Doldrums, is waiting to take your Work in Progress to the Land of Unfinished Pieces. Your best sword to slay this monster is the Pen...or Pencil, or Keyboard--maybe even a quill! Heck, use a Crayon! But, WRITE!